Voyager Does Eurovision
By Sazzy
Based largely on captions by Nilbig
(i.e. I blame her entirely for the perviness throughout)
-------------------------------
Narrator: It’s another fine day on the good ship Voyager, stranded somewhere out in the Delta Quadrant and the senior staff have gathered in the conference room for an important meeting.
Janeway: Attention everyone, the subject is raising crew morale. If you all turn to face the screen Neelix has a suggestion
Neelix: Thank you, Captain. I thought we could have a themed party…
< Song starts: “My Number One” (winner of 2005
Eurovision Song Contest). This continues in background as B’Elanna and Janeway
speak below >
Torres: What in Kahless’ name is this?
Tom: Dunno, but she’s hot!
<sound of someone being
hit>
Tom: Ow! What was that for? We were ordered to look at the screen!
Torres: But we weren’t ordered to make inane comments, Tom.
< New song starts: “Hard Rock Hallelujah” (from 2006) this
continues on in the background as people below speak >
Seven: It appears to be some form of primitive aural torture. Captain, what do you think?
Janeway: Huh, what? Sorry, Seven, I got lost at the oral torture…
Seven <in resigned whisper>: Later, Captain.
< “Making your mind up” (from 1981) starts playing
>
Neelix: This is the Eurovision Song Contest, a highly successful and critically acclaimed singing contest from the late 20th and early 21st Century. As you can see it was also rather colourful with some interesting dance moves…
< “see some more” line in song >
Janeway: Impressive. Even I can’t whip a skirt off that fast.
Seven <whispering>: You made quite quick work of that red dress of mine…
Neelix: Unfortunately the contest ceased to be run after the infamous exploding Finnish halibut incident of 2022. But I was thinking we could revive it as Delta Quadrant Eurovision to engender better relations with the people of the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay: I think it’s a great idea!
Seven: You would, Chakotay, you have no taste.
< “Making your mind up” finishes and all is quiet >
Captain: Shall we put it to the vote? All those in favour raise your hands… <pause> …so that’s Tom, Neelix, Chakotay, The Doctor…<pause> …oh and me! Which means the rest of you are out voted. <some muttering in background> Neelix, I’ll leave the organisation in your capable hands – dismissed!
-------------------------------
Narrator: Later in the Messhall Neelix starts his recruiting campaign by approaching Seven.
Neelix: So, Seven, can I put your name down?
Seven: Can I assimilate you?
Neelix: <nervous laughter> Ha ha, good one. So…er…that’s a yes then?
<silence>
Neelix: Um, ok, good then! Harry, Tom, how about you two?
Harry: I suppose I could play my clarinet…
Tom: If you want to put everyone to sleep, or you’re attempting to look like one of those eastern European entries. Though then you’d need a few dancing washer women, a yak, a burning piano and some lyrics about an apricot stone. Some boobs wouldn’t hurt too. Talking of big boobs, did you guys hear what Chakotay is planning to do?
Harry: No, what?
<Tom whispers what it is but we can’t hear>
Harry: The Captain is going to kill him!
Tom: I know, it’ll be great!
-------------------------------
Narrator: When she reaches Astrometrics Seven still can’t escape mention of the contest as Tal Celes contemplates her role
Tal: I thought I’d audition for the erotic exotic dancers. What do you think?
Seven: What are these <says it distastefully> “Erotic Exotic Dancers”?
Tal: Oh, it’s just something some of the girls thought might be fun, something to put a smile on the Captain’s face. So what do you think?
Seven <to self>: I think you and these others are on my assimilation list.
< doors go >
Janeway: Seven, please tell me what I’ve heard about Chakotay and Eurovision is untrue.
Seven: He is irrelevant, Captain. There is another problem with Eurovision. Apparently some of the female crew members have decided to form an “Erotic Exotic” dance troupe.
< silence for a moment >
Seven: You are thinking about jiggling boobs aren’t you?
Janeway: No, of course not.
Seven: Then why are you staring at mine?
Janeway: That’s where I always look. Anyway, don’t be so quick to condemn - dance is an art form, Seven. Maybe you could think about auditioning too?
Seven: But…
Janeway: No time to speak, I need to go and track down Chakotay!
-------------------------------
Narrator: Janeway catches up with the Commander in sickbay where she makes a lunge for his throat. Only the Doctor stands in her way.
Doctor: Captain, don’t!
Janeway: Don’t interrupt, Doctor. It’s just a small Janeway Larynx pinch, his voice will return eventually.
Chakotay: <coughing and acking>
Doctor: But why, Captain?
Janeway: I had to do it, Doctor. Chakotay was turning his Angry Warrior story into a song to perform at Delta Quadrant Eurovision.
Doctor: But I wanted to hear his Angry Warrior song. He was going to perform in a leopard skin loin cloth.
Janeway: I think I’m going to be sick…
-------------------------------
Narrator: With the potential Chakotay disaster narrowly avoided, Janeway heads to the bridge to speak with Tuvok.
Janeway: I want you to do something for me off the record.
Tuvok: You want the security logs from the Erotic Exotic dancing girls rehearsal.
Janeway: How did you know?
Tuvok: It was logical.
< a few bleeps sound >
Tuvok: Changing rooms and showers too?
Janeway: Well, it would be logical. Just transfer them to the computer in my Ready Room.
-------------------------------
Narrator: Janeway proceeds to her Ready Room to study the footage, but has not been watching long when Seven breezes in.
Seven: Captain, are you watching the security logs you asked Tuvok to secretly provide?
Janeway: Er….
Seven: It would be the logical explanation for your increased respiration and heart rate and the fact that your left hand is buried inside your trousers and are 0.2 seconds from climaxing.
<sounds of some clothing re-arrangement>
Janeway: Come on, Seven, don’t go all Borg on me. I was going to share tonight in our quarters.
Seven: Oh really, Kathryn?
Janeway: Indeed, there’s this great bit in the showers where the Delaney twins and Torres play hide the soap. <pause> So…am I forgiven?
Seven: Be naked on the bed in our quarters when our shift ends. You can start making it up to me.
Janeway: Seven, I’m the Captain of this ship, you can’t just order me around like that.
Seven: Comply, Kathryn, or you will never taste me again.
Janeway: Ok…bed, naked, spread eagled, end of shift. Got it.
Seven: There is more.
Janeway: I thought there might be.
Seven: You have been a bad girl, Kathryn, you must earn my forgiveness. After all when I entered you were looking at naked crew members and masturbating.
Janeway: Never doubt I was thinking of you.
Seven: You will be thinking of me again when I leave. You will lick your left hand clean of your own juices.
< sound of doors as Seven
leaves. Pause then sound of licking >
Janeway: Mmm
-------------------------------
Narrator: Later that evening Seven enters the Captain’s quarters to find the Captain sitting and drinking coffee, but still fully clothed.
Seven: Kathryn, why are you not spread eagled naked on the bed awaiting my return?
Janeway: Seven, you’re late I was just…
Seven <interrupting>: Disobeying me? It was not a request, Kathryn.
Janeway: No, I didn’t…
Seven <interrupting again>: …want to be naked on the bed? How about bent over your desk?
Janeway: Have you been reading my personal logs again? Anyway, I…
Seven <interrupting>: …need to drop your trousers and bend over your desk. Torres and I have been discussing rear docking mechanisms and it gave me some ideas.
Janeway: Hang on a minute, rear docking? Now I’m confused.
Seven: Then I shall make it simple – I wish to bend you over your desk so I can take you from behind.
Janeway: What?
Seven: You do not always have to be in charge. Give up control, Kathryn, it is what you want.
Janeway: No…I…do…not
Seven: Very well, Kathryn. I will go and assist Torres in solving the Delta Flyer’s docking problems.
Janeway: Seven, wait! Don’t go. All right we’ll do it your way, but I don’t think this desk will support us both.
Seven: I am borg, I will adapt.
<porn music interlude >
-------------------------------
Narrator: The next morning Janeway and Seven walk down the corridor to their duty shifts, the Captain with a distinct gingerness in her steps.
Janeway: I’m rather tender and sore this morning
Seven: It is your own fault. When I suggested we move to the bedroom I meant to sleep, not to access the toy draw.
Janeway: My left wrist aches in particular.
Seven: I warned you those restraints would chafe.
Janeway: Yes, but don’t you think it’s better when resistance is fun rather than futile? Will you pop to sickbay and pick up a dermal regenerator for me?
Seven: You do realise I will received another lecture about our sex life from the Doctor.
Janeway: I’ll make it up to you later.
-------------------------------
Narrator: Later that day the senior staff meet in the conference room to discuss plans for the upcoming Eurovision song contest.
Janeway: As some of you may know Chakotay has unfortunately lost his voice as the result of an alien virus…
Chakotay: <strangled noises>
Janeway: …but I’m sure it’s only temporary. Anyway, back to Eurovision. Access your screens and you’ll see a list of songs that are available to perform. “Diva” is already taken by me, though I will of course be adding my own twist to it. How are things coming along otherwise Mr Neelix?
Neelix: Great, Captain, we’ve already had a number of entries from other species, including species 8472 singing Boom-bang-a-bang. I could do with a hand with the publicity pictures for the contest. The Doctor has a collection of holo-images that need reviewing.
Janeway: Harry, you can assist the Doctor.
Harry: Yes, Captain.
-------------------------------
Narrator: At lunchtime, Harry sits with B’Elanna and Tom in the Messhall to discuss the latest developments.
Torres: So Chakotay lost his voice due to an alien virus?
Tom: I heard it was a Janeway larynx pinch.
Harry: It’s a virus, and don’t you be spreading rumours to the contrary, Tom.
Tom: I’m just glad there will be no Angry Warrior song.
Harry: Well, I think it’s a shame. The Commander should be involved, he is second in command.
Tom: Ugh, since when did you become his big bum chum?
Harry: Hmm, maybe if he can’t sing, there’s other ways he could contribute…
Tom: Oh no, Harry’s thinking, we’re in trouble.
Harry: Shut up, Tom. I have to go and sort out the promotional pictures since the Captain asked me to.
-------------------------------
Narrator: The next day the Doctor delivers the promotional shots to the Captain’s Ready Room.
Janeway: Have you looked through them, Doctor?
Doctor: No, I left Harry to it, I’m a Doctor not a picture editor.
Janeway: What about all those slide shows you made us sit through?
Doctor: You mean all those slide shows you slept through.
Janeway: Just give me the pictures. Hmm, interesting, good…
< sound of Janeway
spluttering her coffee out >
Janeway <coughing>: Is this some sort of joke?
Doctor: Is Commander Chakotay naked in that picture?
Janeway: Apart from that tactfully placed and incredibly small leaf, yes. I think I’m going to be sick.
Doctor: Maybe I should check you out.
Janeway: The picture is the reason I’m feeling sick, Doctor.
Doctor: Oh, so you didn’t authorise the naked Angry Warrior dance then?
Janeway: Only if I had wanted you to relieve me of duty for being insane!
Doctor: Hmm, yes, well, you’ll be fine. Just take it easy and don’t look at any more photos of naked first officers. Oh, and Captain…
Janeway: Yes?
Doctor: You might want to take it easy on the handcuffs too…
< sound of door going twice
in quick succession >
Seven: Captain, why was the Doctor running from your Ready Room.
Janeway: Because apparently you aren’t very discrete when you ask for dermal regenerators.
Seven: And maybe you should get it yourself next time. Are you all right, though, you look a little queasy.
Janeway: You would be too if you’d seen this…
------------------------
Narrator: Having seen the offending shot, Seven marches straight to the cargo bay to confront Ensign Kim.
Seven: Ensign Kim, I reported to the Captain’s Ready Room for our usual lunchtime romp but she was unwell and unable to comply. Unacceptable!
< sounds of someone being hit
>
-------------------------------
Narrator: Eventually after many strong cups of coffee the Captain recovers enough to make it to engineering to talk with B’Elanna.
Janeway: I presume you’ve heard about Chakotay and his planned naked dancing at Eurovision?
Torres: Please don’t, Captain, just the thought of it makes me ill
Janeway: And you didn’t have to see that vomit-inducing promotional shot! Needless to say Ensign Kim has been suitably disciplined.
Torres: I hear Seven kicked the crap out of him.
Janeway: Nothing the Doctor couldn’t fix with a dermal regenerator or three
Torres: I’m surprised he had any left after…
Janeway: After what, Lieutenant?
Torres: Er…nothing. Was there something you wanted me to do in relation to Chakotay?
Janeway: I have a little job for you on the holodeck…
-------------------------------
Narrator: Later in sickbay Janeway looks on as the Doctor treats a dishevelled Commander Chakotay
Janeway: Report!
Doctor: Commander Chakotay was savaged by his animal guide on the holodeck.
Chakotay <hoarsely>: The holodeck safeties failed
Janeway <to self>: As did my larynx pinch it seems.
Doctor: Did you say something, Captain.
Janeway: No, carry on, Doctor.
Doctor: The Commander will have to stay off his legs for a few days.
Chakotay <still hoarsely>: I won’t be able to perform my Angry Warrior dance.
Janeway: Shame. I’ll go and get B’Elanna to check the safety protocols.
-------------------------------
Narrator: Janeway proceeds to her Ready Room where she opens a channel to B’Elanna in her quarters, just in time to see her stepping out of the sonic shower in just a towel.
Torres: Captain!
Janeway: Oops, sorry, B’Elanna, I just wanted to remind you to re-instate the safety protocols.
Torres: It’s already done, Captain. Can I do anything else for you?
< pause >
Torres: Oh, clumsy me, I seem to have dropped my towel.
Janeway: Very clumsy of you. Now turn around and pick it up.
Torres: Like this, Captain.
Narrator: As Janeway sits glued to the screen, watching a naked B’Elanna bending over to pick up her towel, Seven comes into the Ready Room.
Janeway <startled>: Seven! I didn’t hear you come in.
Seven: Obviously not. Don’t bother closing the screen down, Kathryn, I already know you are watching the Klingon slut.
Janeway: What, how…?
Seven: Borg enhanced hearing, remember? Now I have caught you I will have to punish you. A spanking I think. Three with my human hand, three with my Borg enhanced one.
Janeway: You really think I’ll let you spank me?
Seven: I know you will because deep down it is what you want. Now go to the upper level and bend over the railing, Kathryn. I know you do these things to get caught – a little pain, a lot of pleasure.
Janeway: I’m keeping my knickers on.
Seven: No you are not. Do you wish to complete the remainder of your shift in wet knickers?
Janeway: Very well, but if this railing collapses you’re fixing it. I’m not explaining it to a repair team.
Seven: Computer, seal the door, authorisation Seven Alpha 69-69
< porn music interlude >
-------------------------------
Narrator: Later Neelix catches up with the Captain in the turbolift. She already has a sore arse from her punishment, but now her eyes are also assaulted by Neelix’s latest jacket.
Neelix: These are the confirmed entries for Eurovision.
Janeway: You’re doing a fine job, Mr Neelix.
Neelix: I’ll also be preparing food from across the Delta Quadrant and…
Janeway <interrupting>: I’m sure it will all be great, Neelix. By the way, could you find out when the scantily clad erotic exotic dancing girls are rehearsing again?
Neelix: Aye, Captain, I’ll let you know the time and location.
Narrator: The Captain and Neelix come out onto the bridge.
Janeway: Everyone, we’ve had a wonderful response to Eurovision. Chakotay, it’s a shame you’re mute and lame so can’t take part.
Neelix: Oh well, it’s on with the show, Commander, you can always help me with the cooking.
Chakotay: <annoyed rasping and croaking>
Narrator: The turbolift doors open again and Seven and B’Elanna step out mid conversation.
Seven:…you have been warned, Klingon slut.
Torres: Arrogant borg bitch, I was only doing what the Captain asked me to…
Narrator: Seeing a few staring eyes, most notably the level ten death glare from the Captain, the two women stop their bickering and take up their posts. B’Elanna takes up a seat at the helm and Janeway comes down to survey what she’s working on.
Janeway: Are those the last minute entries for Eurovision?
Torres: Yes and ETAs. Having trouble sitting, Captain?
Janeway: I beg your pardon, lieutenant?
Torres: Seven told me about your punishment.
Janeway: I can see I need to have that little discretion chat with Seven again. Anyway, it was hardly a punishment, lieutenant.
Torres: I was threatened with the same punishment if there was a repeat performance of the towel incident.
Janeway: Oh really? Maybe the three of us should discuss this somewhere more private.
-------------------------------
Narrator: Shortly Janeway, Seven and B’Elanna meet in a deserted Jeffries tube.
Seven: I do the spanking
Janeway: I watch
Seven: And then you two switch
B’Elanna: <gulp>
<porn music interlude>
-------------------------------
Narrator: The next day Janeway and B’Elanna beam down to a nearby planet to pick up supplies for Eurovision. Unfortunately in the market place, B’Elanna finds herself with some unwanted attention from some locals.
Bloke 1: Nice tits!
Bloke 2: That’s right, you distract her and I’ll make a grab for them!
Janeway: You really shouldn’t let them grope you like that, Seven will not be happy when she finds out.
Torres: Oh, and you would just love telling her wouldn’t you? I guess I’ll just deal with this myself then.
< sounds of B’Elanna beating
bloke 2 up >
Bloke 2: Please, no more…
Torres: You think this is bad? Wait until Seven finds out you made a play for the Captain’s tits too.
Bloke 2: Ugh…
Janeway: You do realise what Seven will do to you when she finds out you and your friends tried to play titty grab with me and B’Elanna.
Policewoman: ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello, what’s going on here then?
Janeway: Ah, officer, these men tried to grab the assets of me and my lieutenant…
Policewoman: You mean your chesticular assets?
Janeway: I know my jacket is a little tight, but you best keep your eyes off my tits, Seven is very possessive of those particular “chesticular assets”.
Policewoman <panicked>: I swear I didn’t look. No need to mention my name to Seven. How much dilithium did you say you needed?
-------------------------------
Narrator: Back on the ship later, Janeway and B’Elanna stroll down the corridor.
Torres: I keep telling you, I was out-numbered, they grabbed me before I realised.
Janeway: Too late, I’ve told Seven.
Torres: What? You’ve told her? Already?
Janeway: Oopsie. It just…slipped out. Looks like you’ll be getting a spanking.
<Seven’s voice comes over the comm.>
Seven: Klingon slut, report to the cargo bay two
Janeway: Better do as she says!
-------------------------------
Narrator: B’Elanna heads straight for the cargo bay, finding Seven there waiting.
Torres: Seven, I wish you wouldn’t hail me that way.
Seven: If you object to being called a Klingon Slut then I suggest you do not behave like one.
Torres: I am not a slut
Seven: Sorry, did I say slut, I meant whore. We will discuss this with the Captain, usual place, usual time. Try to keep your underwear in place until then.
-------------------------------
Narrator: Shortly Janeway, Seven and B’Elanna meet in a deserted Jeffries Tube.
Seven: I’ll have the riding crop.
Janeway: I’ll have the 12 inch dildo and harness.
Seven: Then you two switch
Torres: <gulp>
<porn music interlude>
-------------------------------
Narrator: The next day Janeway is on the bridge when a hail is received by Harry.
Harry: Captain, we have a request to board and participate in Eurovision
Janeway: They’re a bit early, who is it?
Harry: Oh no…er…
Janeway: Mr Kim? On screen now or you will be getting up close and personal with a tooth brush and the outer hull.
Narrator: Reluctantly Harry puts the caller on screen – none other than the Borg Queen herself.
BQ: Surprise, surprise! Am I still in time for Eurovision?
Janeway: I don’t fucking believe it! Surely we have rules about species that want to assimilate all the others being barred from the contest, Mr Neelix?
Neelix: Er…um…
Janeway: You’re about as useless as a chocolate coffee pot!
BQ: Don’t be like that, Captain. Surely you can stand a little competition.
Janeway: Seven, just how did your bitch of a whore Borg Queen ex girlfriend hear about Eurovision?
Seven: She is Borg. Borg know everything.
BQ: Hello there, Seven? How are you doing? And Captain, is it competition in or out of the bedroom you are worried about?
Janeway: You misunderstand me, Borg Queen, you are most welcome. I look forward to the competition <muttering> you arrogant, conniving green trollop.
Seven: A competition is logical, but I warn you, Borg Queen, the Captain is beyond compare. Her sexual stamina is legendary. If you wish to challenge her a threesome could be arranged.
Janeway: Er, Seven, the competition I was referring to was Eurovision.
Seven: I was going to suggest the Klingon Slut join us as an appetizer. She should get the Borg Queen’s juices flowing. It would make an interesting foursome…
Harry: Captain, we have another ship approaching and requesting entry to Eurovision.
Janeway: Who now? On screen.
Narrator: The screen flicks into life to show the older Admiral Janeway on a split screen with the Borg Queen.
Tom: Oh shit! Two Janeways on the prowl!
Admiral: Oh stow it,
BQ: Does this make that foursome a fivesome? Is that classed as an orgy?
Admiral: Shut it, Queenie. I’ve bent time and space to be here and put things right, I don’t have time for you and your over-active libido. Well…not right now. Anyway, in the original timeline we were robbed in the Delta Quadrant Eurovision by tactical voting by the Delta Quadrant natives.
Janeway: What? You mean I don’t win?
Admiral: Can you say nul points?
Seven: Unacceptable. We must discuss this now.
Janeway: Usual time, usual place?
--------------------------
Narrator: Shortly Janeway, Seven and B’Elanna meet in a deserted Jeffries Tube
Seven: The Admiral will pleasure me.
Janeway: The Borg Queen does me from behind
Seven: Then we do the Klingon tart two at a time
Torres: <gulp>
< porn music interlude >
--------------------------
Narrator: And so that night an epic meeting of five great women occurs - a meeting of great intellectual minds, of proud noble women, of…oh, who am I kidding? It’s an orgy, all right? So anyway, the next day Seven is working in Astrometrics when Janeway comes in behind her.
Seven: You may well try and creep in unnoticed.
Janeway: No, no, I wasn’t trying to sneak by. So, um, about last night’s orgy…
Seven: The one which was supposed to take place in our quarters?
Janeway: Erm, yes, that would be the one.
Seven: I had turned our quarters into a torture chamber and replicated all your favourite toys, but as soon as the Borg Queen and the Admiral arrived your trousers were round your ankles!
Janeway: When the Admiral grabbed Torres and bent her over my desk I realised both her and the Borg Queen were packing. I guess things got away from me rather quickly after that.
Seven: These are the security logs from your Ready Room.
Janeway: Oh shit, how did that happen?
Seven: You may want to tidy your Ready Room.
Janeway: See what happens when the Borg Queen goes all butch and dom.
Seven: Kathryn, you were not complaining at the time. In fact harder and faster were your words of choice.
Janeway: Maybe you better erase those logs…but copy them to my personal database first.
-------------------
Narrator: Janeway heads to her Ready Room to tidy up, bumping into a still limping Commander Chakotay on the way.
Janeway: I should warn you the Ready Room is a bit of a mess after the Ladies Night Seven and I hosted.
Chakotay: I’m sure it isn’t that bad, Captain. Now if any men had been invited things may have turned a little rowdy and boisterous.
Janeway <to self>: Yes, when we played pin the tail on the nobhead
Chakotay: Pardon, Captain?
Janeway: Nothing <coughing as she says> nobhead
Narrator: Janeway and Chakotay enter the Ready Room which looks a bit like it did in Year of Hell…funny that…
Janeway: It’s not as bad as it looks, you’ll have it cleaned up in no time, Chakotay.
Chakotay: Is that a pair of handcuffs?
Janeway: The Borg Queen must have left them behind.
Chakotay: What exactly went on last night?
Janeway <to self>: Well, the Borg Queen did me, the Admiral did Torres, Seven did all of us. Then we got the handcuffs and whips out…
Chakotay: Captain? What the hell happened in here?
Janeway: What the hell happened is none of your business. Now get a mop and a bucket!
--------------
Narrator: Later the Admiral visits Seven in Cargo Bay Two.
Admiral: Seven, what’s been going on? You’re not controlling your bitches – Torres was later for duty, while the Captain and the Borg Queen have been trying to access the security logs from the Ready Room.
Seven: B’Elanna wouldn’t have been later if you had not left her chained to your bed. Apparently the Borg Queen was trying to delete footage you have of her begging to use a safe word. As for the Captain, the only control I have is what she gives me…as you well know, Admiral.
Admiral: I know it drives you mad, Seven, but once we marry I give you complete control…in the bedroom.
Seven <shocked>: I marry the Captain? I’m married to you?
Admiral: Calm down before your cortical node overloads. Of course we’re married in the future. I may like a bit of fun now and then with various of the female crew members, Borg Queens and earlier versions of myself, but you’re the only one that can really satisfy me. Now, back to controlling your hos, I have some instructions for you before I need to pay a visit to a certain Ms Queen…
--------------
Narrator: Having given Seven her instructions, Admiral Janeway beams over to the Borg cube to be greeted by the Borg Queen.
BQ: What are you doing on my cube?
Admiral: I’m here to teach you a safe word, Queenie dear.
BQ: I’m the Borg Queen, I don’t use safe words.
Admiral: But you wanted one last night didn’t you. Practically begged for one. Now don’t go all sensitive on me. I don’t mind you using a safe word, lots of subs do.
BQ: I am not a sub, I assimilate people for goodness sake!
Admiral: And after your lesson I’ll let you put those tubules to good use. Now time to stop talking, I have my favourite toy with me. On your knees, bitch!
BQ: Oh god…
Admiral: That’s a good slut. I knew you would like it. Now down on all fours and let me see that cute Borg arse.
BQ: Oh yes, oh fuck, harder, faster, don’t stop! Oh, please, stop, no more!
Admiral: Use your safe word.
BQ: No!
Admiral: Do it!
BQ: Janewaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
----------------
Narrator: Shortly Janeway, Seven and B’Elanna meet in a deserted Jeffries Tube.
Seven: The Admiral insisted no spanking and no sex for 48 hours.
Janeway: What do you mean the punishment doesn’t involve spanking?
Torres: Oh my god, 48 hours what will we do…er…I mean <gulp>
-----------------
Narrator: Not to be deterred Janeway, Torres and Seven all decide to try and get some action on the sly. Janeway invites Ensign Lyndsey Ballard round her quarters…
Janeway: I have a problem I need your help with.
Ballard: You’ve burnt dinner and you want me to replicate something?
Janeway: No, that’s not a problem, it’s a hobby
Ballard: So what do you need my help with Captain?
Janeway: I’ve not had sex for 6 hours.
Ballard: What did you just say?
Janeway: I know it’s hard to believe isn’t it. Six long hours…Anyway, with Seven and B’Elanna following the Admiral’s orders I need someone to step in and fill the hole for me
Ballard: Your…hole…?
Janeway: No, no, a hole left by B’Elanna and Seven following orders, not my hole. Although now you mention it I do have a couple of orifices I’d like you to fill.
Ballard: You want me to do what?
Janeway: Don’t look so worried, it only seems kinky the first time.
-----------
Narrator: Elsewhere Seven approaches Tal Celes in a corridor…
Seven: There you are crewman. I should have know I’d find you in your favourite position on your knees.
Tal: Hello, Seven, what can I do for you?
Seven: I have not had sex in 6.32 hours, Admirals orders. You are going to rectify that.
Tal: Seven, you can’t just walk up to me and demand sex in a corridor
Seven: I never mentioned the corridor. Keep your mouth shut, I will tell you when and how to use it. I am just masking our life signs so no one knows where we are or what we are doing. You may find it more efficient to remove your clothing before we enter the Jeffries Tube.
Tal: You want to have sex up there?
Seven: If we are quiet we are unlikely to be discovered. Do I need to gag you?
--------
Narrator: Finally Torres resorts to approaching a visiting alien delegate in the messhall…
Torres: Admiral Janeway ordered no sex for 48 hours. The Captain and Seven are following orders. It’s been 7 hours, I’m desperate. Maybe we could enjoy a cultural exchange in my quarters.
Alien-Woman: You must be the one they call the Klingon Slut
Torres: Well, yes, some certain people may call me that
Alien-Woman: And are you really a slut?
Torres: Do you want me to be?
Alien-Woman: I want you on your knees and begging
Narrator: One quick beam to the lieutenant’s quarters later…
Torres: Please don’t make me wait any longer, I’m begging you, please
Alien-Woman: Come up here and take care of me…oh yes, that’s good, use your mouth on me Klingon Slut.
Narrator: Some time and a bit of bondage later…
Torres: Hey, wait where are you going? Aren’t you going to untie me? Kahless, not again…
--------
Narrator: Meanwhile on the bridge Janeway’s desperate need for sex has led her to make the fatal mistake of leaving Chakotay in charge. Luckily the region of space is free from planets and the ship is still in one piece. Tom Paris gets a hail…
Tom: Commander, you might want to take a look at this
Chakotay: On screen, lieutenant
< sound effect of screen
coming on >
Old-Seven: Hello, nobhead
Chakotay: Seven?
Old-Seven: Of course it’s me, you simpleton. At least a future me. I think my errant wife The Admiral is somewhere on board? No doubt in the quarters of some young floozy.
Tuvok: Logic dictates things are about to get interesting
Seven: Since she is here for this <said with distaste> Eurovision Song Contest, I thought I may as well come and enter too.
Harry: Scans confirm she is who she says she is.
Chakotay: I don’t care, block any transport, Harry…
Harry: Too late Commander, she bypassed our shields and beamed aboard. We should inform the Captain.
Chakotay: Crap
Tom: Captain Janeway to the bridge
Chakotay: Tom! I didn’t order you to do that
Tom: Oops, silly me
< doors go >
Janeway: What’s going on? Can’t I leave you boys to run the show for five minutes without disturbing my sex sessions…I mean dinner.
Chakotay: Captain, another entrant has arrived for Eurovision and boarded without permission.
Janeway: Is that all? You can handle that, I’ve got more important things to deal with. Seven and B’Elanna are coming up with some special effects for Eurovision - dry ice and a glitter ball and I have to go off and view the scantily-clad erotic exotic dancers.
Chakotay: But, but…
Janeway: You are not invited.
-------------------
Narrator: Having finished their little dalliances, Seven and Torres attempt to perfect those special effects in engineering.
Torres: Seven, are you sure the Captain said dry ice and clittorball?
Seven: Of course, I am not stupid Torres.
Torres: No, but I think your mind might be in the gutter.
Seven: So speaks the Klingon Slut.
Torres: It’s just that a glitter ball is a big sparkly disco ball used in conjunction with dry ice at events like Eurovision whereas a clittorball is a clamp with a ball attached that a woman wears on her…
Seven: I know what it is. I attached one to the Captain only this morning and said I would activate it later and surprise her.
Torres: And the Captain is currently watching scantily clad erotic exotic dancing girls with that attached?
Seven: <pause> I am at fault!
Torres: What is it?
Seven: The Captain does not realise the clittorball will activate when the dry ice reaches a certain level.
Torres: The Captain is going to be walking round the ship with a vibrating ball clamp attached to her cl…
Seven: B’Elanna Torres! We must stop the dry ice being released immediately!
Narrator: Unfortunately the Captain has already made her way to the rehearsal room just in time to get an eyeful of erotic exotic dancing girls and a mouthful of dry ice.
Janeway: Great show, ladies, but I think you may be over-dressed. Let’s lose the tops now. Do it! <coughing> Janeway to Seven, you may want to turn down the dry ice, I can no longer se the dancing girls…and what happened to the glitter disco ball?
Torres: I told you it was glitterball!
Seven: Forget that! I cannot switch off the dry ice, the clittorball will activate in 1.69 seconds!
Janeway: Seven, what the fuck are you doing…oh god, oh no, not now, oh yes, yes, yessssssss
Seven: I have initiated an emergency transport. The Captain is in her Ready Room.
Torres: I think she may want a word with you Seven, once she recovers.
Narrator: And so in the Captain’s Ready Room…
Janeway: Oh God, where am I, what happened, what’s that….oh no, it’s starting again…Seven!!!
< sound of doors opening and
closing >
Seven: Captain, the clittorball/glitterball confusion was unfortunate…
Janeway: Unfortunate? Unfortunate? Chakotay getting blown out of an airlock would be unfortunate this is…ohhhh
Seven: Why are you slumped half off your couch?
Janeway: Why? Why? I’ll tell you why – because this damn thing is still vibrating. I’m throbbing and my legs can’t support me…ohhhh
Seven: Don’t be such a drama queen, Kathryn. I will remove the clittorball now. A woman as sexually rampant as you should expect the odd mishap.
Janeway: I am not sexually rampant.
Seven: Yes you are and I love you for it. Why don’t you try letting go of the rail, your legs will support you now.
Janeway: You love me even though I’m sexually rampant?
Seven: Always, now stop fishing. And before you ask, I will make this ‘unfortunate incident’ up to you.
Janeway: In what way?
Seven: Kathryn, stop staring at my knockers and get your mind out of the gutter. You can use your favourite restraints on me, the leather ones with the metal loops. Though I noticed they are starting to get a little worn from overuse.
Janeway: Hmm, we may need to make a detour to the nearest pleasure planet with toy shop…
< they are interrupted by a
dreadful wailing sound, strangled singing from the Doc >
Janeway: What is that noise?
Seven: It is offensive!
Narrator: Janeway and Seven dash out onto the bridge to find the crew suffering as well.
Chakotay: I think my ears are about to start bleeding!
Harry: Oh no, I recognise that voice, it’s the doctor, someone must be torturing him!
Chakotay: Tuvok, scan for intruders, find out who is torturing the Doctor.
Janeway: He’s a hologram and can’t be tortured, you numpty. Tuvok, shut that racket off and find out what’s happening.
Doctor <singing>: I’m all yours, baboooshka, babooshka, babooshka, ya-ya
< singing is abruptly cut off
>
Tuvok: I’ve cut the comm. link, Captain. It appears the Doctor will be singing Kate Bush at Eurovision.
Janeway: For fuck’s sake, how many fools can there be on one ship.
--------------
Narrator: Meanwhile in the Messhall, Tom has finally realised that B’Elanna has been spending rather a lot of time with the Captain and Seven…
Tom: You are a slut and the ship’s bike. A laughing stock. The Captain clicks her fingers and you go running with your knickers around your ankles.
Torres: 1, you’re my ex, 2, I don’t wear knickers and 3 the Captain can do a lot more with her fingers than click them.
Tom: You are the Captain’s whore!
Neelix: I think you should take this somewhere more private before the Captain hears about it.
Torres: It’s ok Neelix, we are done. Better the Captain’s whore than your wife!
Tom: Don’t think you can just walk away from me you…
Harry: Leave it, Tom!
Tom: Harry? How did you get here so fast from the bridge?
Harry: Shhh, no one will notice if you don’t point it out
Torres: Stop bitching, Tom. You’re just jealous because I’ve had more women than you.
Neelix: I’m free for dinner, Tom.
Tom: I’m not jealous.
Torres: Yes, you are
Harry: I’m free for dinner, Neelix
Neelix: My quarters 1900 hours, Harry, bring the wine.
-----------
Narrator: Back in the transporter room the Admiral has finally been tracked down on the Borg Cube and is in the process of beaming back to Voyager.
Janeway: Do we know what she’s been doing over on the Borg cube?
Tuvok: Logic suggests she has been doing the Borg Queen
Old-Seven: I would like to disagree, but I can’t fault your logic, my wife can’t keep her knickers on in any timeline.
< sound of transporter >
Admiral: My own welcoming committee, you shouldn’t have. Hello, Darling.
Old-Seven: Don’t Darling me, you know have some explaining to do.
Janeway: What the hell have you been doing over there all this time?
Admiral: That should be what the hell have you been doing over there all this time, Admiral. I popped over to give the Borg Queen a hand with her Eurovision preparations.
Old-Seven: A hand with something at least. You could at least have invited me.
Admiral: There’s still plenty of time…
Old-Seven: Unfortunately not, the wormhole you used to get here will collapse in approximately 11.69 minutes, we need to go back through now.
Admiral: As I said, plenty of time, the Borg Queen’s easy, all it takes is one quick thrust of…
Janeway: Enough! Didn’t you actually come here to stop us losing Eurovision rather than shag your way through the ship? You better tell me quick what I need to do.
Admiral: All right, keep your knickers on…or maybe that’s the problem. You are looking a little uptight.
Janeway: Just tell me!
-----------------
Narrator: While the Admiral reveals all and then takes her leave with her wife to squeeze through a wormhole, Harry is making romantic plans in the messhall
Tom: Please tell me those flowers are not for Neelix.
Harry: Yes, do you think he will like them?
Tom: Are you insane?
Harry: You think he would prefer roses?
Torres: Stop being a grouch and leave him alone, Tom. Neelix
will love them, Harry. Don’t forget the wine.
------------
Narrator: The next day Janeway and Seven are playing their early morning game of velocity.
Janeway: Ready to get your Borg arse kicked, Seven?
Seven: I think not, Captain.
Janeway: Well, I just kicked B’Elanna’s arse in the mud wrestling program. Now it’s your turn.
< velocity noises >
Seven: Crap!
Janeway: I win again. Which means I get to claim my prize.
Seven: Kathryn, surely you are not feeling horny already after last night.
Janeway: Not yet, although I will be expecting our lunch time shag in the Ready Room. No, I want you to go on a short away mission with Harry and pick up those new “supplies” we were discussing.
Seven: On rotation it is Neelix’s turn next.
Janeway: I don’t want Neelix and Harry going together. They will be too busy bonking to get any work done.
Seven: Harry and Neelix…?
Janeway: I guess regeneration does have its benefits – you must have missed the Talaxian mating wails emanating along deck four last night.
Seven: Are you trying to make me physically sick?
Janeway: Maybe the best sex shop in the Delta Quadrant will perk you up, which just so happens to be where you’re passing on this away mission. I’ve browsed their catalogue – I’ll forward you a list.
Seven: But a day in a shuttle with Harry listening to Neelix this and Neelix that, can’t we just replicate the toys?
Janeway: No, Seven, I can’t authorise all those replicator rations.
Seven: But…
Janeway: Torres has taken to wearing no underwear under her uniform - get her some crotchless knickers and a nippleless bra while you’re at it…
-------
Narrator: Shortly the senior staff meet in the conference room to discuss the away mission.
Janeway: Ok, up next, we need to discuss the away mission.
Narrator: I just said that.
Janeway: Did someone say something?
Narrator: No one ever listens too me, I might as well be speaking to myself…
Janeway: B’Elanna, can you run a diagnostic of the comm. system
Narrator: Because if they did listen to me we might actually carry on with this tenuous story about Eurovision at some point rather than endless distractions about sex toys, shagging and tits.
Janeway: And while you’re at it, you might want to run a diagnostic on the environmental systems, there appears to be a rather pungent odour in here. So I’ll keep things short – Harry, you and Seven are to proceed to Sixty-Ninus Prime to pick up supplies for Eurovision which we will of course be hosting tomorrow. I presume everything is in place, Neelix.
Neelix: Yes, Captain, we’re all set. It’s going to be fabulous!
Narrator: Bitch, you were bloody listening weren’t you! I may as well just go home then, see how you do without a narrator at all.
-----------------------
Narrator: <pause> Oh, I see, you want me to speak now? Fine! I’m a proper actor you know, I don’t need to put up with this! Thank god it’s nearly over. So out on the bridge Tuvok and Chakotay have some answers for the Captain as to the strange conference room smell.
Tuvok: It appears that when Talaxians mate they emit an odour that clings to their mate to warn off other would be…
Janeway: Thanks, Tuvok, I get the picture.
Chakotay: So that smell was Harry and Neelix? That will be fun for Seven on that away mission.
Janeway: She’s going to kill me <muttering> or worse withhold the toys
-----------------
Narrator: And so on a distinctly smelly Delta Flyer, Harry takes the controls
Harry: Ready when you are, Seven
Seven: I’m just downloading a list of supplies for the Captain… <sniffing noises> …what is that awful smell?
Harry: Uh, I don’t know
Seven: It is you! You smell like a dirty unwashed Neelix
Harry: Um…what is that course correction you’re putting in?
Seven: We are making a short stop at a space station.
Harry: Guess you and the Captain heard about Frau Neun und Sechzig’s sex shop too.
Seven: What the Captain knows is none of your business, and I suggest you have a shower before we dock.
-------
Narrator: Once on board the space station Seven wastes no time tracking down Frau Neun und Sechzig’s sex shop and perusing the goods.
Seven: Mmm, Kathryn will love this lube, it tastes and smells so good
<vibrating noise >
Seven: Ooo, I may have set the vibration setting a little high, but the lube certainly works
Frau: We prefer it if you didn’t sample the goods before purchasing them. I may have to call security.
Seven: But that is most inefficient. I need to know the capabilities of these items – the Captain and the Klingon Slut are very demanding…oooo….ow! It appears your vibrating toy has caused my body to spasm. I have injured my neck. I may have to sue.
Frau: I really don’t think that will be necessary. We have wonderful massage oils.
Seven: Captain Janeway will be very angry if I am too sore to pleasure her.
Frau <shocked>: Captain Janeway? The infamous trigger happy Captain Janeway? Here let me massage that for you.
Seven: Oo, ah
Frau: There how does that feel? Better?
Seven: Oo, ah, yes, much better.
Frau: So do you think the Captain will be satisfied.
Seven: She rarely is…
Frau: Here, why don’t you have free run of the shop, try whatever you like. There’s a bar too, drinks are on the house!
--------
Narrator: Some time later the Delta Flyer makes its way back to Voyager with Tom picking up the hail.
Tom: Captain, Seven is hailing us, she sounds….drunk
Janeway: On screen, Mr Paris.
Seven <drunk>: Coo-ee! Where is the horniest, most sexy Captain in Starfleet?
Janeway: What the fuck? Seven?
Seven: Oh you were right about the sex shop, just wait until you and Torres try out the triple…
Janeway: Seven! Stop right there. Lieutenant turn off the main screen.
Seven: Ooops, me and my big tits…er…I mean mouth. Will you have to punish me Captain? I bought a rather nice leather paddle…
Janeway: Now, Lieutenant! And as soon as the shuttle is in range beam Seven directly to my quarters. B’Elanna in my Ready Room, now.
Torres: Yes, Captain.
< door noise >
Janeway: B’Elanna, go and check on Seven. Make sure she doesn’t leave my quarters. And sober her up.
Torres: If she resists may I restrain her?
Janeway: There’s some handcuffs in the bedside table. I’ll be along to deal with her shortly.
-------
Narrator: So B’Elanna heads to the Captain’s quarters to find Seven collapsed in a heap on a new couch-like feature in the middle of the room.
Torres: What the fuck, Seven? How much have you had to drink? Get up and sober up before the Captain gets here.
Seven <still drunk and drunk throughout this scene>: I can’t get up, my feet are stuck in these stirrups. They came with this pleasure bench, one of its many features. I’m not quite sure what this rod is for…ooo, ahhhh
Torres: Seven, the Captain will be most upset if you try it without her. Why don’t I help you up?
Seven: Thank you, Lieutenant. I picked up some great toys to go with the pleasure bench.
Torres: Seven, this is not a sex toy, it’s a golf club.
Seven: You haven’t seen what I can do with it yet my little Klingon trollop.
Torres: Listen to me, these are not sex toys! This is a golf ball for Kahless’ sake! Though The Captain may stick one where the sun doesn’t shine on you…
Seven: Ohhh, I think I may have picked up the wrong bag….ugh….I think I’m going to puke. This is most inefficient.
-------
Narrator: And so the following day the big day arrives at last – Eurovision!
< Eurovision theme >
Neelix: Bonjour, Hola, Guten Tag <something unintelligible and alien> and welcome to Delta Quadrant Eurovision. My name is Neelix and I’ll be your host for this exciting contest, along with my lovely assistant Miss Harry Kim.
Harry: Hee hee hee, thank you Neelix. I must say that’s a lovely suit you’re wearing.
Neelix: And that dress really shows off your shapely calves…
Tom: Get the fuck on with it!
Narrator: Meanwhile in the audience Janeway and Seven take their seats.
Janeway: How are you feeling today, Seven?
Seven: Like someone whacked me over the head with a golf club.
Janeway: I did tell B’Elanna to be careful with that. You know how enthusiastic she gets.
Seven: At least it means I will not have to perform in this…<said with distaste> contest.
BQ: What’s that, you’re not performing? What a shame, I know what a great mouth you have.
Janeway: Borg Queen, I thought we’d seen the last of you after your little interlude with the Admiral.
BQ: You can’t keep a good Borg Queen down.
Seven: That’s not what the Admiral said.
Janeway: Yeah, what was that safe word…?
Seven and Janeway together: Janewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay <laughter>
BQ: You’ll be laughing on the other side of your faces when my entrant wins!
Janeway: Are you not singing yourself?
BQ: Borg Queen do not sing.
Seven: That’s not what the Admiral said
Janeway: Janewaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay <laughs>
BQ: Shut up! Here she is now, first on.
< “Satellite” the 2010 winner by
BQ: I brought her specially from 2010 to compete, isn’t she great?
Janeway: I always said the Borg had no taste, present company excluded of course, darling. I mean seriously, green as your favourite colour?
< wait until it gets to some
singing >
Seven: Sensors indicate this woman’s voice is defective
Janeway: Woah, I just had the oddest sense of déjà vu. But you’re absolutely right.
< sound of phaser fire
followed by abrupt end to song >
BQ: You…you, just shot my contestant! You can’t do that!
Janeway: Suck it up, Queenie. I’m the Captain, I can do what the fuck I want. Talking of which, I think I’m up.
< sound of cheering as “Diva”
the winner from 1998 strikes up. This plays throughout the lines below >
BQ: Where is that phaser?
Seven: Don’t even think about it, Borg Queen.
< sound of slap >
BQ: Ow
Seven: Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy that, remember, Janewaaaaaaaaaaay
< bit more of the song
plays>
Tom: Wow, those erotic exotic dancers are something else. I never knew Tal Celes could bend that far. What do you think Tuvok?
Tuvok: Their flexibility is impressive.
Torres: I taught them everything they know.
< music fades out >
---------
Narrator: And so after a slew of weird and wonderful acts, with heavy emphasis on the former, the contest draws to a close. Next up is the interval act, almost as eagerly anticipated at Eurovision as the singing acts themselves.
Neelix: Ladies and Gentlemen…and aliens of indeterminate gender…prepare to be stunned, amazed and possibly a little nauseated by the wonderful Chakotay and his Angry Warrior dance!
< some Indian tribal music
starts >
Janeway: What the fuck? I thought we prevented this abomination! Torres!
Torres: I don’t know how he recovered from that holodeck accident
Janeway: Oh my god, my eyes!
Seven: Don’t worry, Kathryn, I will save you!
< sound of phaser fire>
Chakotay: Aieeeeeeeee!
< abrupt end to song and silence >
Neelix: Er…so that was Chakotay…and his Angry Warrior dance. A round of applause please.
< a couple of half-hearted
claps >
Harry: Thank you, Neelix. Normally we would now engage in about 3 hours of excruciatingly slow voting, but we don’t want you all to nod off just as we near the conclusion. So instead we have a borg enhanced voting system thanks to our very own Seven of Nine. Which means we can bring you the result right now.
Neelix: Yes, indeed Harry…and may I say these lights really bring out the cute freckles on your face…
Tom: Get the fuck on with it!
Neelix: All right, all right, Mr Paris. The winner is…
< drum roll >
Neelix: Captain Janeway!
< clapping >
BQ: Fix!
< sound of slap >
BQ: Ow!
< clapping still going >
Janeway: Thank you, thank you. I couldn’t have done it without my erotic exotic dancers.
< big cheer >
Narrator: And so the celebrations continue long into the night, with Janeway finally managing to catch up with Seven for a quiet word.
Janeway: Nice job with the voting system, darling.
Seven: I don’t know what you mean, Kathryn.
Janeway: The Admiral told me how to win, remember. So I guess this means I owe you one…would you prefer the 9 or the 12 inch?
Seven: How about both?
Janeway: Whatever you want.
< porn music plays into end credits >